Why were we never taught how to masturbate?

For boys, masturbation is almost a rite of passage, a running joke between mates. For girls, it isn’t talked about, or only in whispers. The result: many women discover their pleasure late, by chance, or end up telling themselves they “can’t do it”.

That’s exactly the silence Jüne Plã wanted to break. An illustrator, she launched the Instagram account Jouissance Club, then published Jouissance Club. Une cartographie du plaisir (Marabout, 2020), an illustrated handbook of simple, joyful diagrams that sold more than 200,000 copies barely a year after its release. Her idea fits in one sentence, which she defended on the TEDxRennes stage in 2020: “Sex isn’t innate. It’s an art.”

And an art is something you practise. With someone, and on your own too (spoiler: on your own is the best place to start). This guide draws heavily on her approach: we explore, we don’t perform.

How to masturbate as a woman: the 5-step path

No recipe, just a path. Follow it in order the first time, then make it your own.

Step 1: create your cocoon

Before your hands, the setting. Pick a moment when nobody will knock on the door and nothing is waiting for you right after. Phone on airplane mode, or in another room altogether. Soft lighting, a throw, clean sheets, something you feel good in… or nothing at all.

And above all, no goal. You’re not there to “succeed” at anything, just to have a good time with yourself. That’s the whole philosophy of Jouissance Club: pleasure, not performance.

Step 2: get to know your vulva

A small mirror, a few minutes of curiosity. Look without judging: there’s no such thing as a “normal” vulva. Each one has its own shapes, its colours, its lips more or less long, and all of them are made for pleasure.

At the very top, where the inner lips meet, there’s the hood, and just beneath it, the glans of the clitoris. That little bit of flesh is only the tip of the iceberg: the clitoris is about ten centimetres long, and its roots reach inside, on either side of the vagina. It’s even what hides behind the famous G-spot, as we explain in our article on how to stimulate the G-spot. Remember one thing: when you caress your vulva, a good part of your clitoris benefits.

Step 3: wake up your whole body first

No need to go straight to the point. Start with your belly, your inner thighs, your breasts, the back of your neck: all those areas we forget and that love being looked after. Breathe slowly. Let an image, a memory, a fantasy come to you.

Imagination is a powerful accelerator. If you find it hard to get going, a little erotic audio in your ears can work wonders. When your vulva gets warm, a little swollen, and you start to get wet, that’s the signal: your body is ready. And if you don’t get very wet? Nothing abnormal, that’s what lube is for.

Step 4: try the Jouissance Club strokes

Here are four strokes inspired by Jüne Plã’s diagrams, from the most enveloping to the most precise. A drop of water-based lube (or saliva) will make everything slipperier and softer. Try them one by one, play with pressure and rhythm, and keep the ones that do something for you.

1. Wide circles.

Three fingers flat on the top of the vulva, over the hood. Draw wide, slow circles, barely pressing. The glans is caressed through its little hood, without direct contact: ideal to begin with.

2. Up and down.

Two fingers laid flat along the vulva, between the lips or on top of them. Slide slowly from the hood down to the entrance of the vagina, then back up. A wide movement that wakes up the whole area.

3. The small circle.

A single finger, often the middle finger, on the glans or just beside it. Tiny, regular circles. This is the most precise stroke: if it’s too intense, shift over a millimetre or go back over the hood.

4. Vibrating pressure.

Fingers flat on the vulva, you press a little and make small, quick vibrations, without sliding. A sensation that radiates, very different from caresses.

But be careful: there’s no “right” speed. Some like to brush lightly, others to press hard, and it changes from one day to the next. When a stroke feels good, don’t change a thing: it’s often regularity that makes pleasure build. Prefer not to use your hands? A pillow rolled up between your thighs, against which you move your hips, works very well too.

Step 5: let it come (or not)

If pleasure builds, keep doing what works, at the same rhythm. Breathe, let your hips move, make noise if it comes. Orgasm often arrives when you stop watching out for it.

And if it doesn’t come tonight? That’s not a “failure”. You’ve learned things about your body and taken a moment just for yourself. Many women need several tries before they recognise the wave building. You’ll come back to it when you feel like it, and each time it will be a little easier.

What next?

Once you know your favourite strokes, nothing stops you from varying them. A clitoral stimulator or a small vibrator can open up other sensations. The inside of the vagina can be discovered too, gently, the day you feel like it. And to go further, our tips to explore and enhance your pleasure take over.

The best part is that you won’t need anyone else to know what feels good to you. And that changes everything.

FAQ: your questions about female masturbation

Is it normal to feel nothing the first few times?

Yes, absolutely. Pleasure is learned, as Jüne Plã says. The first few times, you mostly discover your sensations: what tickles, what warms, what does nothing. With a little practice, your body becomes more receptive.

How long does it take to come when masturbating?

There’s no normal length of time. A few minutes for some, much longer for others, and not at all on some days. The time you take is part of the pleasure: no need to watch the clock.

Is masturbating often bad?

No. It’s not dirty, not selfish, and not just for single people. As long as it’s a pleasure and not a chore, there’s no such thing as “too much”. Just wash your hands beforehand, and your toys if you use any.

Do you need a sex toy to start?

No, your fingers are more than enough, and they’re what will teach you fastest what you like. The sex toy may come later, as a bonus.

L’article How to masturbate as a woman: a gentle guide to getting started est apparu en premier sur Porn for Women.

Does the G-spot really exist?

Yes and no. There’s no tiny isolated button, but the sensation is very real. No one has ever found a “spot” even by opening up a body. What many of us do feel, on the front wall of the vagina, is a place that sends us flying. And it isn’t magic: it’s the clitoris.

The name comes from a German gynecologist, Ernst Gräfenberg, who was already describing a sensitive area on that wall in 1950. Thirty years later, sexologists stuck the letter G on it, and marketing did the rest. That’s how generations of women ended up looking for a switch.

Except. When you sort through the research (a systematic review published in 2021 in Sexual Medicine screened 31 studies), you find that 62.9% of the women surveyed do describe a more sensitive place inside the vagina. But not in the same place, not the same size, not the same for everyone.

(spoiler) It’s the word “spot” that lies. Not your pleasure.

Researchers eventually gave it a far more honest name: the clitourethrovaginal complex. A mouthful for a very simple idea. It’s a crossroads. A place where everything touches, which varies from one woman to the next and even from one night to the next. You can’t order it around. You warm it up.

Where is the G-spot, and why is it all about the clitoris?

The G-spot is on the front wall of your vagina, on the belly side, one or two knuckles from the entrance. Slide a finger in, curl it toward your navel, as if you were beckoning someone over. There. You’re there.

You’ll read distances down to the centimeter everywhere. Forget the ruler. Your pussy isn’t flat-pack furniture with an instruction sheet.

Now, the real secret. Your clitoris isn’t just the little button under the hood. That’s the cherry. The whole cake is inside: legs and bulbs that wrap around your vagina and fill with blood when you get aroused. Yes, your clit gets hard. Like a cock, only more discreet and smarter.

A French gynecologist, Odile Buisson, and the urologist Pierre Foldès actually filmed a couple on ultrasound in the middle of sex (imagine the mood in that exam room). What they saw: during penetration, the root of the clitoris gets pressed against the front wall of the vagina. Your G-spot may simply be that. Your clit, caressed from the inside.

So the “vaginal” orgasm versus the “clitoral” orgasm, that great contest we’ve been sold for a century? Often, it’s the same organ. Reached through two different doors.

What is clitoral arousal?

Clitoral arousal is desire rising through your whole clitoris, not just the little glans you can see. Because yes, the clit is an iceberg: its roots and bulbs dive inside and wrap around your vagina.

When desire rises, blood rushes through this whole network. In practice, you can feel it: your vulva warms up and swells, you get wet, the glans peeks out from its hood, and your lower belly grows heavy, almost impatient. Your clit gets hard, inside and out.

And that’s exactly where the G-spot comes into play. As long as you’re “cold”, pressing on the front wall means pressing on not much at all. Once the inner clit has swelled, it presses up against that wall: the area becomes thicker, easier to find and much more responsive. That’s why all the good advice starts with the same instruction, not very sexy on paper but devastating in bed: take your time.

What does G-spot stimulation feel like?

It doesn’t feel like your outer clit. It’s duller, wider, deeper, and it builds slowly. No spark. More like a warmth spreading through your lower belly, and the urge to push your hips against the hand.

Under the fingers, some women feel an area that’s slightly raised, slightly ridged, and that swells as arousal climbs. Others feel no texture at all and have a great time anyway. And when you’re not turned on? Often nothing. Or something frankly unpleasant, somewhere between a tickle and a gynecologist appointment. Your body isn’t broken. It’s just too early.

That sensation can take you all the way to orgasm, or simply make everything else better. Both are worth the trip.

Why is so much G-spot advice off the mark?

Because most of it was written for the one who penetrates, not for the one who feels. You’re promised ecstasy like an Amazon parcel, given the address to the centimeter, and if it doesn’t work, the problem must be you. Shall we clear things up?

At heart, this advice always tells the same story: your pleasure as the medal of a guy who did a good job. You’re the exam paper. He’s the examiner.

But careful: loving being penetrated is nothing to be ashamed of. The problem is when you’re told it’s the only road.

Injections to “boost” the G-spot: be wary

And then there are those who offer to “plump it up”. Some clinics sell a hyaluronic acid injection into the front wall of the vagina, supposed to supercharge your orgasms. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reviewed these cosmetic genital procedures in 2020, “G-spot amplification” included: no high-quality data shows that they work, and the list of possible complications is a lot less sexy (pain, infection, scarring, altered sensation, painful sex). You’re being sold a syringe for a button that doesn’t exist. Spend the money on lube.

Jouissance Club: another map of pleasure

Jüne Plã redrew the map. With her Instagram account Jouissance Club, then her book Jouissance Club. Une cartographie du plaisir, published by Marabout in January 2020, she set penetration aside to show, drawings in hand, a thousand and one other ways to feel good. Not to tell you that you feel nothing. To give you back the rest of your body. If you’d rather listen to people talk about sex than read about it, podcasts on female pleasure are made for you.

How do you stimulate the G-spot on your own?

On your own, you stimulate your G-spot by warming up first, then pressing gently and rhythmically on the front wall of your vagina, with two curled fingers or a curved toy. It’s often the fastest route: nobody is rushing you, and nobody knows better than you what’s happening in there.

Start by giving yourself time. Door closed, phone on airplane mode, lighting you like. The G-spot doesn’t wake up cold. It needs your inner clit to swell, your lower belly to grow heavy, warm, impatient. So touch yourself the way you like first. For a long time. And when you think it’s been enough, a little more.

What about that urge to pee?

And now, the thing nobody dares to tell you. At first, you may feel the urge to pee. It’s normal. Really. Your urethra is right there, it’s part of the crossroads. Go to the bathroom beforehand, breathe, and above all don’t stop. Very often, the sensation changes. It grows wider. Deeper. Stronger. And then, let yourself go.

And if nothing happens tonight? You’ve just given yourself an hour of touching yourself. There are worse “failures”.

Which sex toy should you choose to stimulate the G-spot?

For the G-spot, look for a curved, fairly firm sex toy with a rounded tip. The curve does the work: it follows the front wall of the vagina and presses where it should, without your wrist having to play contortionist.

Your fingers are often enough. But a well-chosen toy makes all the difference when you want steady pressure, for a long time, without cramps. Three main families:

• Curved dildos, without vibration. In glass, steel or firm silicone, they rely on weight and rigidity. The result: firm pressure and a deliberate back-and-forth, which many women find speaks to the G-spot more than vibration does.
• Vibrators with a curved head. Vibration adds to the pressure. Ideal if you like sensations that radiate, from the inside through your whole lower belly.
• Rabbits. One arm inside for the G-spot, a little ear outside for the clit. Two doors to the same organ, at the same time: we’ll let you imagine.

A few pointers before you treat yourself:

1. A pronounced curve, not a shy one. An almost straight shaft will miss the spot.
2. A slightly bulbous tip, to massage rather than poke.
3. Firmness: a toy that’s too soft squashes instead of pressing.
4. Non-porous materials (quality silicone, glass, steel), easier to clean.
5. A wide base or a handle, to stay in control without fumbling.

When it comes to lube, go for a water-based gel: it’s compatible with every material, including silicone, which a silicone-based lube can damage. Wash your toy before and after, start gently, at a low speed, and let your body tell you what it likes. There’s no universal setting, only yours.

How do you stimulate the G-spot with a partner?

With a partner, the G-spot is stimulated with the mouth as much as with the hands. To talk, first: say what you want, guide, be able to stop everything. Consent isn’t a form signed over drinks. It’s every “there”, every “slower”, every “more”. And honestly, a woman who knows what she wants and says it out loud is the hottest thing there is.

Guide their hand

Start with fingers. Take their hand, put it where you want, show the rhythm. You’re the one who feels what’s happening inside. So you’re the one driving.

Positions where you lead

For positions, only one question matters: who holds the reins? On top, you tilt your pelvis forward so each thrust presses on your front wall, and you decide everything, the rhythm, the depth, the pauses. From behind, the angle often lands right on the spot, as long as the tempo stays yours. And in every case, a hand on your clit. Yours or theirs, who cares.

Why do we insist? Because a large American survey of 1,055 women aged 18 to 94, published in 2018, showed it in black and white: barely about 18% come from penetration alone. Intercourse without hands is the exception. Not the rule. Sorry, egos.

Porn to give you ideas

Want images that break from the usual script? Ethical porn films women who guide, who ask, who take their time. Enough to give you ideas for tonight.

And what if you don’t feel anything?

You don’t feel anything special on that wall? It’s very common, and it says nothing about your ability to come. You’re not uptight, not “too much in your head”, not behind your friends.

A British study of 1,804 female twins in 2010 showed it clearly: 56% said they had a G-spot, the others didn’t. And no trace of a gene in there. What you feel depends on what you’ve explored, not on a missing part.

Your pleasure has a thousand other doors. Your external clit, your breasts, the back of your neck, the small of your back, your mind and everything it imagines… If you want to open them one by one, our article on female pleasure will take you by the hand.

You can come back to this area in a month, in a year, or never. It won’t hold it against you. And neither will you.

FAQ

Do all women have a G-spot?

All women have an internal clitoris that runs close to the front wall of the vagina. But not all of them feel a more sensitive area there: in a British study of twins in 2010, 56% said they had one. Both are normal.

Is a G-spot orgasm different from a clitoral orgasm?

The sensations can be different, more diffuse or deeper for some women. But in both cases, it’s the clitoris doing the work. Neither is worth more than the other.

How long does it take to feel something at the G-spot?

There’s no stopwatch. The G-spot only responds once arousal is well under way, when your inner clit has swelled: give yourself plenty of time to warm up before pressing on the front wall. And if some nights nothing special happens, that’s not a failure, just your body wanting something else.

Which position is best for stimulating the G-spot?

The ones where the angle pushes toward your belly and you keep control of the rhythm: you on top with your pelvis tilted forward, or doggy style. None of them guarantees anything, and a hand on the clitoris often changes more than the position itself.

Does G-spot stimulation make you squirt?

Sometimes, not always. Some women release fluid through the urethra when this area is stimulated, others never do. A small French study published in 2015, using ultrasound on seven women, showed that this fluid comes mostly from the bladder, often with a small share of secretions from the Skene’s glands. It’s not dirty, not mandatory, and not proof of pleasure.

And what about the male G-spot?

The “male G-spot” usually means the prostate, a gland located below the bladder, reached through the anus, on the belly-side wall. It has nothing to do with the anatomy discussed here, but the principle is the same: arousal first, lube, gentle pressure, and someone who says what they like.

L’article How to stimulate the G-spot: what the guides don’t tell you est apparu en premier sur Porn for Women.

Long surrounded by taboos, female pleasure remains poorly understood. Too often reduced to simplistic clichés, it is in fact far richer, more subtle and, above all, unique to each person. Whether you’re alone or with a partner, exploring your pleasure doesn’t have to follow any universal rule. It is, first and foremost, a personal journey, one that calls for a bit of curiosity, a willingness to let go, and plenty of self-awareness. Here are our best tips to help you better understand your body, vary your sensations and reconnect with your desire, without pressure or any goal of performance.

Understanding female pleasure better: an essential starting point

Female pleasure is neither automatic nor linear. It evolves with the moment, with emotions, with context. The same gesture can feel wonderful one day and leave you completely indifferent the next. That’s perfectly normal. This pleasure rests on a balance between body and mind. Stress, fatigue or a heavy mental load can dampen sensations. On the other hand, a feeling of safety, trust and relaxation encourages letting go.

Sex researchers have a name for this: the dual control model. Put simply, your desire runs on an accelerator (everything that turns you on) and a brake (everything that worries, distracts or tires you), and the balance between the two varies from person to person, as described by researcher John Bancroft and his team in the Journal of Sex Research. That’s why pressing harder on the accelerator does nothing while the brake is still on… You have to release it first.

Learning to listen to your own sensations changes everything. Rather than searching for “the right technique,” it’s about observing what is happening in your body. And spoiler alert: this self-knowledge doesn’t happen all at once… It builds slowly, as you learn to step away from expectations in order to reconnect with what really matters. Don’t forget that pleasure is not a performance: it doesn’t follow a script, and it doesn’t need to lead to a specific outcome to be valid.

Exploring your pleasure: where to start, alone or with a partner?

Exploration often begins on your own. It’s the ideal moment to try out a few things, without the pressure of an outside gaze. You can take the time to identify what you truly enjoy: types of caresses, rhythm, pressure, areas stimulated… And always keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to do it.

Little by little, you’ll learn to recognise your reactions, what turns you on, what leaves you indifferent. This phase is precious, because it lays the foundations of a more conscious sexuality. With a partner, the key remains communication: expressing your desires, your limits, your curiosities allows you to adjust what you do and, above all, to avoid misunderstandings. You don’t need long speeches: sometimes, a simple guiding gesture or a single word is enough.

Erogenous zones to (re)discover for varied sensations

When we think of female pleasure, the first thing that comes to mind is the clitoris. And with good reason: it’s a central zone of pleasure. But be careful, it isn’t limited to its visible part. Its entire internal structure can be stimulated indirectly.

Think of the clitoris as an iceberg. The glans, the only visible part, extends inside into a body, two crura and two bulbs of erectile tissue, set against the urethra and the vagina: that is the anatomy described by urologist Helen O’Connell in 2005. And the famous “8,000 nerve endings” figure? Nobody had ever actually counted them in humans. The first measurement, published in 2023, puts it at around 10,280 nerve fibres for the glans alone. And the authors point out that the real total is higher still!

For internal stimulation, we’ve put together a full guide on how to stimulate the G-spot (including what other guides forget to mention).

At first, don’t focus solely on this area in your approach. The body is full of sensitive zones that are sometimes underestimated: the neck, the ears, the chest, the lower back, the inner thighs… Every person responds differently. The idea isn’t to stimulate everything at once, but to explore gradually. Try, slow down, observe… You’ll see that some areas become more responsive over time, especially when you give them attention.

Female orgasm: what the numbers really say

Intercourse alone is rarely enough, and that is the norm, not a manufacturing defect. In 2015, a team at Indiana University put the question to 1,055 American women aged 18 to 94. Their answers put quite a few scripts back in their place.

Source: Herbenick et al., Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 2018.

Another lesson, this time from a survey of 52,588 adults: not everyone climaxes equally often. Here is the share of people who say they “usually or always” orgasm during sex.

Source: Frederick et al., Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2018.

Same bodies, different practices: hard to call that biological fate. In fact, the same study looked at what sets apart the women who orgasm most often. Longer sex, more oral sex, deep kissing, manual stimulation alongside intercourse… Nothing magical, then. Just time and attention.

Our concrete tips for enhancing female pleasure

Sometimes, slowing down and taking the time to feel every touch can truly make a difference. Varying intensities also helps avoid getting used to the same thing. Alternating between gentleness and firmer pressure, changing rhythm, taking pauses… all of this feeds arousal.

You can also play with sensations: temperature, textures, breath… These are details, but they contribute to the overall experience. Breathing, too, is often underestimated. Yet it directly influences sensations. Breathing deeply, releasing tension, allows the body to open up more fully to pleasure. Finally, letting go of the outcome completely changes the dynamic. The less you try to reach a specific goal, the more space you leave for sensations. And often, that’s when pleasure becomes most intense.

Accessories and supports: allies for boosting pleasure

Accessories can enrich the exploration. Sex toys, for example, make it possible to discover new sensations or intensify certain kinds of stimulation. What matters is using them as tools, not as an obligation. You can try them, adjust, or simply not include them in your experiences if they don’t appeal to you.

Visual or audio content can also play a role. It stimulates the imagination, fuels arousal and helps you let go. In this regard, turning to pornography made for women to find content that is more respectful, more realistic and more aligned with your desires is an excellent idea. But here again, it all comes down to how you feel. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. The idea is to explore at your own pace, to find what truly feels good to you.

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Lustery: real couples, for real

Real couples, at home, filming themselves the way they make love when nobody is watching. No set, no imposed script: closeness, giggles, orgasms that take their time. Ideal for seeing female pleasure that isn’t acted.

visit the site →

guide

The G-spot: what the guides leave out

How to find it, how to stimulate it, alone or with a partner: our full guide, with everything the other guides don’t tell you.

read the guide →

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Ethical porn: seven platforms reviewed

Porn where everyone said yes, where performers are paid and where pleasure isn’t faked for the camera. We explain how to recognise it, and where to watch it.

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What can hold pleasure back (and how to move past these blocks)

Several factors can limit pleasure. Stress, for example, acts directly on the body. It prevents you from relaxing and connecting with sensations. Mental load also plays a decisive role: it’s hard to let go when your mind is still stuck on the electricity bills you need to pay… In those moments, slowing down and creating a calmer setting can really help.

Self-image can also hold pleasure back. Feeling judged, even internally, often blocks the process. Accepting your body as it is, without trying to match a standard, allows you to regain a sense of freedom. Finally, the pressure to “do well” is a common obstacle. Don’t forget that pleasure isn’t something you can command, it builds over time!

And if it hurts, or if the block has lasted for months despite everything? Then it’s no longer a question of technique. Pain during sex is never “normal”: talk to your gynaecologist or your GP. For low desire or an orgasm that won’t come, a sex therapist is there for exactly that (and no, you won’t be the first to walk through the door).

FAQ

How do I know what really gives me pleasure?

By trying, quite simply. Take the time to explore different sensations, without a specific goal in mind. Notice what naturally draws you in and, above all, don’t force yourself into anything.

Is it normal not to always feel pleasure?

Yes. Desire and pleasure vary from one period to the next. Stress, fatigue or emotional state can influence them significantly. But here again, don’t feel guilty. Be kind to yourself and your body — that’s what will help you move past the situation.

How do I talk about it with my partner?

Simply and gradually. You can guide, share how you feel or express your desires without pressure. Choosing a calm moment, outside of intimacy, can also help you start a more natural and comfortable conversation.

How does female pleasure work?

Through a back-and-forth between body and mind. On the body side, the clitoris plays the leading role: its glans holds around 10,000 nerve fibres and its internal part extends on either side of the vagina. On the mind side, arousal builds when what stimulates outweighs what holds you back (stress, fatigue, fear of being judged). Which is why the context deserves as much care as the touch.

Is it normal not to orgasm from intercourse alone?

Yes, it is actually the most common situation. In a US survey of 1,055 women, only 18.4% say intercourse is enough for them. The others need clitoral stimulation, or find their orgasms better with it. A hand, a toy, a different position: anything goes.

What is edging?

It means getting close to orgasm, stopping just before, then starting again, once or several times. The idea: stretch out the build-up of pleasure for a more intense orgasm. You can do it alone or with a partner, and it requires no equipment. Just a little patience!

L’article Our tips for exploring and enhancing female pleasure est apparu en premier sur Porn for Women.

Let’s get one thing straight right away: having fantasies is normal. Truly. It’s not dirty, weird, or a sign that something is “missing” in your relationship. It’s simply your brain playing with desire. Fantasies are an intimate playground. They can be soft, intense, romantic, very explicit, or all of that at once. Some women keep them private. Others love sharing them. And some never want to act them out. And spoiler: that’s perfectly fine.

So if you’ve ever wondered whether you’re the only one biting your lip while imagining certain scenarios… relax. You’re far from alone. Let’s dive into the top 10 most common fantasies among women. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself. Maybe you won’t. Either way, it’s all good.

The top 10 at a glance

Where do these numbers come from? From a Québec study published in 2015 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine: 1,516 adults, including 799 women, rated scenario by scenario what they fantasize about. The sample isn’t representative (the researchers say so themselves) and our order isn’t a ranking: take these percentages as reference points. They do make one thing very clear: none of the fantasies measured here is rare.

1. Consensual Domination (Total Surrender)

This is one of the most frequent sexual fantasies among women. Being guided. Not having to decide. Letting go of control. Becoming the burning object of someone’s desire and allowing them to take the lead. But let’s be clear: fantasizing about domination does not mean wanting to be harmed or overpowered. In fantasy, everything is chosen. The framework is clear. Consent is present. And it’s precisely that sense of safety that makes surrender possible.

The numbers back it up: in the Québec study, 64.6% of women say they fantasize about being dominated. And about half of those who describe this scenario add… that they would never want to live it for real.

2. Public Sex (Without Being Seen)

An elevator. A deserted beach. The back seat of a car. A fitting room. This fantasy plays with adrenaline and the thrill of the forbidden. It’s about being almost caught, but not quite. What makes it so exciting isn’t actual exposure. It’s the rising intensity. The faster heartbeat. The feeling of stepping slightly outside the lines.

In the same study, 57.3% of women fantasize about sex in a public place, and 81.7% about an unusual place (an office, for example).

3. The Mysterious Stranger

Among women’s most common fantasies, desiring a complete stranger comes up again and again. A spark through a glance. A wild passion that burns for one night only. Why is it so common? Because it erases the mental load. No backstory. No routine. No expectations. Just raw desire.

Nearly one woman in two (48.9%) says she fantasizes about it, again according to the Québec study.

4. Taking Control

We’ve talked about surrender, but the opposite is just as powerful. Many women fantasize about leading, initiating, setting the pace. It’s a fantasy of affirmation. Of feeling your power. Of fully owning your sexual confidence.

46.7% of the women surveyed fantasize about dominating their partner: almost as many as those who dream of a stranger.

5. The Threesome

Threesomes are among the most common fantasies for many women. The idea often centers around being the focus of multiple desires, feeling attention converge, multiplying sensations, without pressure, just within the fantasy. This fantasy is mostly about curiosity and novelty. It doesn’t signal dissatisfaction. It’s simply a way of expanding the imagination and exploring different dynamics freely.

By the numbers: 56.5% of women in the Québec study fantasize about sex with two men, 36.9% with two women.

6. Ultra-Connected Slow Sex

On the opposite end of raw intensity, many women fantasize about slow, deeply connected sex. Taking time. Looking at each other. Touching with intention. Letting desire build without rushing. This fantasy often reflects a longing for genuine connection, full attention, and real presence. A reminder that pleasure doesn’t only come from intensity, but from depth.

7. BDSM

For many women, BDSM is one of the most intriguing fantasies. For example, the idea of being tied up introduces a highly structured dynamic where every gesture has a clear frame. Voluntary restraint can intensify surrender, amplify sensation, and create that unique tension so characteristic of BDSM aesthetics.

Being tied up is a fantasy for 52.1% of women in the Québec study; being spanked or whipped, for 36.3%. One important caveat, though: choking, even “light”, is not a soft practice. As researchers point out, there are no circumstances in which it is risk-free.

8. Role Play

Role play is a recurring favorite. Imagining yourselves as strangers meeting for the first time. Playing a confident boss. Acting out a spontaneous hotel encounter. What’s appealing here is shaking things up without changing partners. You explore different dynamics and different versions of yourself, within a safe, trusting relationship. A powerful way to refresh desire while keeping what truly matters: trust.

9. Queer Exploration

The idea of an experience with another woman appears frequently in women’s fantasies, even among those who identify as heterosexual. It doesn’t define orientation. It simply shows that desire can be more fluid than labels. These fantasies often blend softness, curiosity, and the desire to discover different ways of being touched, seen, and desired. There’s nothing unusual about it. Fantasy is a space where everything can be explored without committing to anything in real life.

In the Québec study, 36.9% of women fantasize about sex with another woman. And in the United States, 59% of the exclusively heterosexual women surveyed by researcher Justin Lehmiller say they have already had a same-sex fantasy.

10. Intense Romantic Passion

Some women resonate more with passion-driven fantasies. A powerful connection. A lingering gaze. Emotional closeness that feels almost tangible. An intensity that takes up all the space.

Surprise: this is the real number one. 92.2% of women in the Québec study fantasize about romantic feelings during sex, and 84.9% about a romantic location. No other scenario is as widely shared.

Does fantasizing mean you want to live it?

No: a fantasy is a story you tell yourself, not a contract you sign. Some make you want to act on them. Others are only exciting because they stay imaginary: in your head, you control everything, from the setting to the final word. In the Québec study, about half of the women who describe a submission fantasy specify that they would not want to live it for real.

And even when the desire is there, it often stays unspoken: in Justin Lehmiller’s survey of more than 4,000 Americans, about four in five people said their favorite fantasy is something they want to act on, but only about half had shared it with a partner, and about one in five had actually done it.

So you have nothing to “confess”, nothing to act out to be a liberated woman, and no one to answer to for what goes on in your head. A fantasy can be savored solo, spice up an evening for two… or simply stay there until next time. And if you feel like moving from your head to your body, our guides to female pleasure and to stimulating the G-spot take it from there.

Where to watch these fantasies filmed with respect?

To feed your imagination without stumbling on scenes shot any old way, the simplest route is ethical porn. Porn where everyone said yes, far from the camera that always sits on the same side (that has a name: the male gaze). Three addresses fit this top 10 particularly well.

storylines

Erika Lust: your fantasies, as short films

With XConfessions, launched in 2013, anonymous confessions from the public become short films. Careful lighting, real stories, characters who have a life before they undress… If you like a fantasy told like a film, this is where to look.

visit the site →

intimacy

Lustery: real couples, for real

Real couples filming themselves at home, the way they have sex when nobody’s watching. Perfect for slow sex and passion cravings: slowness, lingering looks, giggles, and orgasms that take their time.

visit the site →

audio

Le Son du Désir: close your eyes

No images, just voices. Sensual audio stories to listen to with headphones, for those who’d rather imagine the scene than watch it. Which is, after all, the very definition of a fantasy. Good to know: the stories are in French.

visit the site →

Want to see more? Our reviews of porn platforms for women go through them one by one.

FAQ

Do fantasies change with age or relationship status?

Yes and no. Context matters. A single woman may fantasize differently than someone who’s been in a relationship for ten years. Motherhood, confidence levels, sexual experience: all of these can influence desire. There’s no fixed rule. Some fantasies emerge with age. Others fade. The imagination is never static.

Why are some fantasies so common?

The brain loves symbolic transgression. It also loves control, and surrender. Many fantasies play with these two forces. They offer total freedom, without real-world consequences.

How do you talk about fantasies with a partner?

Choose a calm moment, outside of sexual activity. Share what intrigues you without pressure. You might start with something simple like: “Have you ever thought about…?”

The goal isn’t to act out everything. It’s to open space for dialogue. Because sometimes, talking about desire is already incredibly intimate.

What is the most common fantasy among women?

Not the one you’d expect. In a Québec study published in 2015 (1,516 adults, including 799 women), 92.2% of women say they fantasize about romantic feelings during sex, far ahead of being dominated (64.6%) or sex with two men (56.5%). Passion remains scenario number one.

Is it normal to have a fantasy you definitely don’t want to act on?

Yes. In that same study, about half of the women who describe a submission fantasy specify that they would not want to live it for real. A fantasy can be exciting precisely because it stays imaginary: in your head, you decide everything.

L’article Top 10 Most Common Fantasies Among Women est apparu en premier sur Porn for Women.

The male gaze is everywhere. In film reviews, in feminist debates, in perfume ads. And in the porn we watch at night, wondering why the woman on screen seems to be there as part of the set. People cite the male gaze a lot, but explain it much less. So here’s how to recognize it on your own, in a movie as well as in a porn video. And how to know that another way of looking exists (spoiler: it’s hot too).

What is the male gaze?

The male gaze, or “masculine gaze”, is a way of staging women as objects of desire rather than as subjects who desire. The camera takes the point of view of a viewer assumed to be a heterosexual man: it lingers on bodies, cuts them up, offers them to be looked at. The woman is looked at. She rarely looks.

It’s a visual grammar, made of framing, shots and storylines we’ve seen so often that they feel neutral. You know that heroine filmed slowly from her ankles up to her mouth while the hero discovers her? That’s it.

The male gaze doesn’t mean “a man’s gaze”

It’s the most common confusion, and it skews the whole debate. The male gaze isn’t the gaze of any particular man: it’s a way of filming, with its own codes. A woman behind the camera can perfectly well reproduce them and film an actress as an object. A man can just as well film differently. The critic and researcher Iris Brey stresses this point in Le Regard féminin. Une révolution à l’écran (Éditions de l’Olivier, 2020): what matters is where you film from, not who holds the camera.

Where does the male gaze come from? Laura Mulvey, 1975

The concept of the male gaze was formulated by Laura Mulvey, a British filmmaker and film theorist, in the essay “Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema”, published in 1975 in the journal Screen. In it, she analyzes classic Hollywood cinema through psychoanalysis.

Her idea fits in one image: three gazes that converge. The camera’s. The male character’s, who acts and drives the story forward. And ours, viewers invited to identify with the hero. At the end of these three gazes, a single target: the actress’s body, which interrupts the story long enough to be contemplated.

Fifty years later, the text is debated and criticized. But the term stuck, because it names what many women felt in front of a screen without being able to say it.

Where do we see the male gaze today?

The male gaze shows up wherever bodies are put on display: in film and TV series, in advertising, music videos, video games and on social media. The media change, the grammar stays the same: a female body exposed for a gaze that isn’t hers.

In film, a small tool helps measure the gap: the Bechdel test, devised by the American cartoonist Alison Bechdel. A film passes if it has at least two named women who talk to each other about something other than a man. The bar is low. Many films still fall below it.

The male gaze in porn: what the camera shows, and what it forgets

Mainstream porn is the most direct form of the male gaze: everything is filmed for the arousal of a viewer imagined as male. The framing, the rhythm, the end of the scene, everything follows his pleasure. Yours stays off-screen.

Take the POV shot, for “point of view”. The camera is held by the man, at eye level. You never see his face, only his partner’s body, shot from below. Literally, you’re lent his gaze. Add close-ups centered on penetration, while the clitoris often stays far from the lens.

And then there’s the ending. The American researcher Linda Williams analyzed it as early as 1989 in Hard Core: Power, Pleasure, and the “Frenzy of the Visible” (University of California Press): the “money shot”, the ejaculation filmed outside the body, serves as visible proof of male pleasure. The scene ends there. Curtain.

Female pleasure, meanwhile, becomes scarce. In Pornhub’s 50 most-viewed videos, 18.3% of women are shown having an orgasm, compared with 78% of men (Séguin, Rodrigue and Lavigne, Journal of Sex Research, 2018). Four times less. And when female orgasm does appear, it often comes from penetration alone… which doesn’t match what most women experience.

But careful: enjoying a mainstream scene says nothing bad about you. Arousal can’t be ordered around, and it doesn’t commit you to anything. Knowing how an image was built simply lets you choose, and also look for porn platforms designed for women, where the camera looks differently.

How to recognize the male gaze: 5 questions to ask

To spot the male gaze, just ask yourself who is looking, who is being looked at, and who the image is meant to please. These five questions work for a Sunday movie as well as for a porn video.

• ☐Who acts? Who makes the decisions, moves the story or the scene forward?
• ☐Who is looked at? Whose body does the camera linger on, and for how long?
• ☐Whose pleasure is it for? The female character’s, or the viewer imagined behind the screen?
• ☐Is the body cut up? Buttocks, breasts, mouth in close-up, with no face or gaze?
• ☐Does the woman’s desire have a point of view? Do we know what she wants, what she feels, what tips her over the edge?

Three answers leaning the same way? It’s probably the male gaze. No shame in having watched it.

Does the male gaze belong to all men?

No. The male gaze is a way of filming inherited from an industry, not the natural gaze of every man. Many men don’t recognize themselves in it, and some pay a price for it too.

Because this gaze imposes a script on both sides of the screen. On women, the script of being desirable. On men, the script of performing: getting hard on command, lasting, having the “right” body. A role just as narrow, only less visible.

Studies are starting to measure it. Among 195 heterosexual men surveyed by Kuan, Senn and Garcia (SAGE Open, 2022), the bigger the gap between sex seen in porn and sex actually lived, the lower their sexual satisfaction and self-esteem. Another study, by Gewirtz-Meydan, Bőthe and Spivak-Lavi among 726 men (Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2024), links problematic porn use to more body comparison, then to a more negative body image. These are correlations, not proof of cause. But they tell the same story: this model doesn’t necessarily make men happy either.

The American feminist author bell hooks was already writing in 2004, in The Will to Change, that patriarchy harms men too, by cutting them off from their emotions. And some men film differently. The female gaze, Iris Brey reminds us, has no gender.

But careful: recognizing that men suffer from this gaze too doesn’t erase the imbalance. On screen, it’s women’s bodies it cuts up first, and their pleasure it forgets. Both observations hold together.

Why is the male gaze a problem?

The male gaze is a problem because, repeated over and over, it ends up teaching everyone how to look, and how to desire. One image on its own doesn’t do much. Thousands, seen since adolescence, form a script.

For women, this script settles into the most intimate moments: watching yourself from the outside during sex, monitoring your stomach rather than your sensations, faking orgasm because “that’s how it goes”. Not a weakness, not a lack, not an oddity: just something learned. And what’s learned can be unlearned, for example by taking the time to explore your pleasure without performance pressure.

The concept has its limits too, and that’s a good thing. Enjoying being looked at is nothing alienating when you’ve chosen it: feeling desired can be delicious. The question is never the gaze itself. It’s who decides, and for whom.

The female gaze: what does the other way of looking look like?

The female gaze films from a character’s experience rather than from her body. You no longer look at a woman; you feel with her. Her desire has a point of view, her sensations get screen time.

Iris Brey popularized the term in France in 2020. Before her, in 1992, bell hooks described the “oppositional gaze” in Black Looks: Race and Representation: the way Black women viewers, whom cinema didn’t even imagine in the audience, learned to watch while resisting. You don’t have to watch with the eyes you’re lent.

In porn too, the other gaze has its history. In 1984, the American actress and director Candida Royalle founded Femme Productions, to film scenes designed for the pleasure of women and couples. Other women directors followed. Today, ethical porn carries that gesture forward: consent discussed, diverse bodies, female pleasure filmed for real. And faces that truly come.

FAQ

How do you recognize the male gaze?

Look at who acts, who is looked at, and whose pleasure the image is meant for. If the camera lingers on a cut-up female body without us knowing what the woman feels, that’s a strong sign of the male gaze.

Is every male gaze the male gaze?

No. The male gaze refers to a cultural structure of staging, not to an individual man’s gaze. Many men film, look and desire differently.

What’s the difference between the male gaze and objectification?

Objectification means reducing a person to their body or to part of their body. The male gaze is the visual device that produces this objectification on screen, by organizing the image around a male viewer.

Is there porn without the male gaze?

Yes. Feminist and ethical porn film female desire as a point of view rather than as decor. Candida Royalle paved the way in 1984, and many platforms offer it today.

L’article What is the male gaze? est apparu en premier sur Porn for Women.

Tired of videos churned out on an assembly line, where desire rings false and you wonder, deep down, whether everyone was really on board? You’re not alone. Ethical porn exists precisely for that: porn where consent is discussed before the first take, where performers are paid and where pleasure is nothing like a performance. Arousing, yes. And without that little unease that spoils everything. Seven sites to try, and the method to spot the ones that cheat.

What exactly is ethical porn?

Ethical porn is a way of producing porn, not a visual style. It’s judged on what happens behind the camera: consent discussed, acts chosen by the performers, pay announced in advance, healthy shooting conditions and transparency about the production. Respect isn’t a slogan there, it’s the foundation of the work.

The criteria that make porn ethical

Ethical content rests on a few simple, visible and openly stated benchmarks:

• Clear consent, discussed before, during and after the shoot. Not a form signed in a hurry.
• Acts chosen by the performers themselves, with their limits set down in black and white.
• Fair pay, announced in advance, that doesn’t depend on what someone agrees to do “on top”.
• The right to say stop, at any time, without losing their fee or their reputation.
• Health taken seriously: STI testing, protection available, aftercare after the scene.
• Real diversity of bodies, ages, skin colors and sexualities.
• Transparency: you know who produces, who directs, who performs.

What changes compared with mainstream porn

Mainstream porn produces fast, sells a lot and targets the widest possible audience. The result: interchangeable scenarios, calibrated bodies, orgasms (especially female ones) performed against the clock. Ethical porn favors quality, intimacy and the real rhythm of desire.

Glances that seek each other out. Laughter. Clumsiness too. Here, the camera observes instead of imposing… and that changes everything.

Ethical porn: everyone wins

Ethical porn isn’t a sacrifice you make to ease your conscience. It’s a deal where both sides of the screen come out ahead: those who shoot work in better conditions, those who watch enjoy porn that’s more real, and so more arousing. The proof, point by point.

How can you tell if a porn site is truly ethical?

A truly ethical porn site clearly says who produces its films, how performers are paid and how consent is verified. If it says nothing, that’s already an answer. The word “ethical” isn’t protected by any label: anyone can stick it on their homepage.

There’s a well-known precedent. In December 2020, after a column by journalist Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times, Visa and Mastercard cut off payments to Pornhub, which had to remove every video posted by unverified accounts. On the big free tube sites, nobody could guarantee where those images came from.

Where to watch ethical porn? 7 platforms to try

To watch ethical porn, the simplest way is to go through a specialized platform that produces or selects its films according to consent and pay criteria. Here are our seven picks, from the most tender to the most intense. To go further, you’ll also find our detailed reviews of the best ethical porn platforms.

intimacyour favorite

Lustery: real couples, for real

Real couples, at home, filming themselves the way they have sex when nobody’s watching. No set, no imposed script: just intimacy, giggles and orgasms that take their time. Behind the scenes, every couple is verified (ID required) and paid the same, whether their video takes off or not. Our favorite place to start.

from €5/monthvisit the site →

aesthetics

Erika Lust: cinema first

Careful lighting, real storylines, characters who have a life before they undress… Cinema, plain and simple. With XConfessions, it’s your fantasies (sent in anonymously) that become short films. On set, an intimacy coordinator goes over everyone’s limits before filming.

from €10/monthvisit the site →

tenderness

Cheex: hand-picked tenderness

A carefully curated erotic film library, for those who find classic porn too rough. The platform states that its performers are adults, properly paid, insured and tested, and it doesn’t track what you watch. The good deal: one feature-length film free when you sign up, enough to try before subscribing.

from €9.90visit the site →

natural

MakeLoveNotPorn: sex like at home

Real people sharing their real sex, with the laughter, the hesitations and the tenderness that come with it. Each video is rented for three weeks, and half the price goes to the people on screen. The perfect antidote to scenes that are a little too polished.

$10 per video, or from $20/monthvisit the site →

intensity

HardWerk: hard, but consensual

Yes, you can love it hard and still want it ethical. HardWerk shoots hardcore and gang bangs where each scene starts from the performers’ desires: their wishes shape the scenario. Intense, unapologetic… and wanted from start to finish. For a single month, expect $29.95.

from $9.95/month on a yearly planvisit the site →

diversity

PinkLabel: real diversity

Independent films, often queer, that you rent one at a time. Bodies, genders, sexualities: this is where you’ll see what the big tube sites almost never show. Behind the platform: Pink & White Productions, Shine Louise Houston’s studio.

pay-per-view, or $29/monthvisit the site →

audio

Le Son du Désir: close your eyes

No images, just voices. Sensual audio stories to listen to with headphones, for those who’d rather imagine than watch. Good to know: the stories are in French.

€12.90/month, or €89/yearvisit the site →

Porn for women: where to start?

To get started, pick a single platform based on what you’re in the mood for, not on what you “should” like. There’s no such thing as one porn for women, just very different desires from one person to the next (and from one night to the next).

1. Start from what bothered you. Faked pleasure? Go for amateur, with Lustery or MakeLoveNotPorn. No story? Erika Lust. Images too crude? Audio. And if what bothered you was the camera always sitting on the same side, that has a name: the male gaze.
2. Try before you pay. Excerpts, a free film when you sign up at Cheex… Enough to get an idea without getting your card out.
3. Take a month, not a year. Yearly plans cost less per month, but four weeks are enough to know whether a platform speaks to you. You can always switch.

Want to compare in more detail? Our reviews of porn platforms for women go through them one by one.

Ethical porn or feminist porn: what’s the difference?

Ethical porn is about how it’s produced, feminist porn is about how desire is looked at and filmed. The two terms are often mixed up, wrongly.

Ethical porn: the framework

Ethical porn focuses mostly on what you don’t see on screen: shooting conditions, how the performers are treated, consent, pay, transparency. A practical, almost contractual approach.

Feminist porn: the gaze

Feminist porn goes further: it questions codes, power dynamics, the way we film and the way we desire. It puts female pleasure back at the center, breaks stereotypes and opens the door to sexualities rarely seen in the mainstream. In short, it sometimes teaches you as much as a good guide on how to stimulate the G-spot.

Two approaches that sometimes meet… but not always

You can shoot an ethical film with no activist intent. You can also make a feminist film that will be ethical by default, since the approach demands respect. The two talk to each other, but one isn’t a subcategory of the other.

Why are ethical porn sites paid?

Ethical porn sites are paid because that’s the cost of a shoot where everyone is paid fairly. In mainstream porn, everything seems free. So why should you pay to watch ethical porn?

First, because this model funds decent working conditions. A film isn’t shot in the snap of a finger: it takes time, a crew, equipment, and above all performers paid for what they offer of their bodies and their intimacy. On MakeLoveNotPorn, for example, half of every rental goes to the people on screen.

Next, paying avoids the logic of piracy: without a clear source of revenue, content often circulates without real agreement. On an ethical site, you know where the videos come from.

Finally, a subscription rewards quality over volume. A few sincere films are worth more than thousands of anonymous videos.

Paying, here, isn’t buying porn. It’s supporting another way of making it.

FAQ: your questions about ethical porn

Is there free ethical porn?

A little, but rarely in full. Some platforms offer excerpts or a free trial film: Cheex, for example, offers one feature-length film when you sign up. Beyond that, ethical content has a cost, since the performers are paid.

Is Pornhub an ethical site?

No, not in the sense we mean here. Pornhub is a tube site that mainly hosts videos uploaded by third parties. In December 2020, it removed all videos from unverified accounts, which is progress, but it guarantees neither shooting conditions nor performer pay.

Does ethical porn really exist?

Yes. Studios and platforms publish their shooting rules, verify the identity of the people filmed, pay them transparently and give them the right to say stop. No official label certifies it: to sort things out, look at who produces, how performers are paid and how their identity is verified.

Are ethical porn and amateur porn the same thing?

Not necessarily. Amateur porn can be ethical when it’s shot by consenting, verified and paid couples, as on Lustery or MakeLoveNotPorn. An “amateur” video posted anonymously on a tube site offers none of these guarantees.

Is ethical porn necessarily soft?

No. Ethics is about shooting conditions, not about the intensity of what you see. There is very tender ethical porn and very hard ethical porn: HardWerk, for example, shoots hardcore and gang bangs built on the performers’ desires.

Which ethical porn site should you start with?

The one that matches your mood. Lustery if you’re looking for real couples and something natural, Erika Lust if you like beautiful images and stories, Le Son du Désir if you prefer audio (in French). And Cheex offers a feature-length film when you sign up: handy for trying it out.

L’article Ethical porn: how to watch respectful, arousing porn without the awkwardness? est apparu en premier sur Porn for Women.